Looking Glass
by awesomesen
Summary: Subaru, Arashi, and the art of insanity. [chapter two: how to hate]
1. And What She Found There

_Beta read like _woah_by the lovely Sophia Prester._

* * *

**looking-glass **

* * *

One day, Subaru looks at her like he's only just noticed that she is in his home. Arashi half expects him to have forgotten completely that she has been living in his apartment for the better part of a month, but after a minute he gives her a mad sort of smileand tells her that they are both hellbound.

Sometimes Arashi feels like screaming at him.

* * *

She's not stupid. Arashi's always taken pride in her intelligence, and it doesn't take a genius to realize that Subaru Sumeragi is, to but it bluntly, insane. She remembers meeting him for the first time and finding him respectable if not hurried; somewhat grieved but still rather professional. Subaru reminds her of a thread now, too thinly stretched, whole but still broken, fraying. Everything about him seems longer then it had been. In the right light, his fingers stretch for miles.

Even so, Arashi trusts him. He comes home with blood on his hands and clothing sometimes, shaking, eyes wild, but he doesn't harm her. They want the same things, and as long as they share the same wish Arashi is immune from his killing.

* * *

It was Subaru who appeared to her, not the other way around. Arashi had been thinking after she had run away, trying to decide what to next do. She had considered going home, to Ise, but despite the rational part of her mind that told her Kaede would never turn her away, something inside her said again and again that she no longer belonged home, she could never return to Ise.

Returning to her other home, to the Seals, was just as unacceptable, but Arashi had been considering it anyway when Subaru appeared before her. Wearing black, wearing gloves. She hadn't seen him since the Rainbow Bridge collapsed, and remembered that he was supposed to be missing.

"Kamui sent me," Subaru remarked, meaning the _other _Kamui, smiling. Arashi stepped back, away from him, and then forward, towards him again.. "Do you have somewhere to stay?" he added, practical, too practical, eyes dark, twig body, and Arashi almost laughed.

* * *

One day, Subaru comes home early, and looks at Arashi like he's only just noticed that she is in his home. The city shook in an earthquake earlier, and Arashi couldn't say she wasn't expecting him to be involved, but on his arrival his hands were clean.

"You should have been there too," Subaru says after grinning at her. Arashi shivers. "It was fun." He is franker now, less polite, easier and harder to understand.

"I'm no use in a fight any longer," Arashi replies fairly. He laughs at her, in her face, broken broken threads.

"You could be."

* * *

They are not Dragons of Heaven, and certainly not Dragons of Earth. Subaru helps the Harbingers, mostly, if only because he needs to kill now and he needs to be where the old sakurazukamori was, but they look at him in the same way the Seals do. Subaru is not to be trusted by any side.

Arashi avoids the Seals and doesn't want to know what they think of her, and avoids the Harbingers because she still holds herself above them. Subaru laughs and calls her vain for it, washing his hands carefully, red water going down the drain. _You're already worse then any of them_, he reminds her. _The worst place in hell is reserved for people like us._

* * *

She isn't attracted to Subaru. He's good looking when he isn't crazy, and Arashi has found herself admiring him from an aesthetic angle from time to time, but the idea of being with Subaru in any sense other then the way they are already is impossible to her. They live in the same apartment, but it usually feels as though one or both of them are just visiting it. Subaru walks through rooms without noticing she is even there, and more then once Arashi has walked in on him changing without caring even a little.

There's platonic and there's uncaring, but this is both of them and worse.

There was a time where Arashi was modest, and she supposes she still is, but something about Subaru as an entity instead of a person that removes her embarrassment. It would be like being shy about changing in front of a cat, in a way.

There is only one bed in the apartment, and they share it sleeping back to back.

* * *

When Arashi wants for something to do, she writes letters. She tells Kaede about her life and apologizes for her irrationality; she berates Sorata for existing, yells at him over ink and paper, frustrated, sad; Arashi has even written Kamui once or twice, the driest of her letters. She has trouble saying anything explicit in them, even knowing that these are letters that will be thrown away after completion, and the few things she manages to write out a real opinion with no attachments or formalities she ends up staring at the words, fascinated by them. Confused by them.

And then, in the end, her words scare her more then anything else, so Arashi rips the papers in pieces and throws them away.

* * *

"I'm no use in a fight any longer," Arashi says.

Subaru laughs at her before replying, "You could be," and then, forgetting her, he walks into the bedroom. Arashi hurries after him, demanding further explanation, but Subaru has grown bored of socializing and doesn't at first answer her.

"Kamui," Subaru snaps at last, eyes flashing darkly, he is angry and Arashi feels a twinge of fear, not at the name but at Subaru himself, childish Subaru who kills for the sake of feeling like a murderer. "Kamui can give you whatever you wish for."

Arashi hadn't thought of that before, and Subaru forgets to be angry and walks away, a distracted bloody child. She thinks about it for a day, and the next morning walks to city hall.

* * *

Subaru has mastered the art of living on air, and as such Arashi rarely finds food for herself in the apartment. It is not that Arashi can't go without eating, or minds skipping a meal or two or three, but she can still imagine Kaede's worrying and feels slightly guilty when she doesn't. She supposes that starvation is her favorite death, but Arashi hasn't quite decided to die yet.

So Arashi takes Subaru's debit card from where it lies abandoned on the counter and goes shopping.

Somehow she isn't all that surprised when she runs into Yuzuriha and Kamui, although the feeling isn't shared by them. They gape at her, and she almost laughs--Subaru is infectious, it seems, but this thought is distracted when Yuzuriha runs over and hugs her.

"We were scared," the girl exclaims, "We thought you might be dead! I'm so glad you're okay!"

"Sorata's been worried," Kamui says quietly, smiling.

* * *

Arashi goes to Kamui one bright autumn morning, wind blowing leaves about the empty city. She half expects him to be waiting for her, but no one is outside of city hall at all, and Arashi lets herself into the building. No one seems to be inside, either, but somehow she knows where to go anyway, and ends up in a hidden basement.

A man with blond hair looks up briefly when she enters, saying nothing. This is her welcome. Shortly after, a girl younger then she enters the room, looks at her and at the blond man, then pushes her glasses up her nose. "You're Kishuu," she remarks.

"Did Subaru say...?" Arashi wonders, but the girl isn't interested. The blond glances at her again. "Satsuki-chan knows basically everything. We're well acquainted with you already," he says, and before Arashi can think about this he adds "Kamui is in the next room" and turns back to his tea.

Kamui _is_ in the next room. Arashi has heard from the others of his habit of looking like other people, and half expects him to look that way for her, too, but all she sees is a tall smug teenager. His hands are in his pockets, he smirks at her.

Arashi isn't happy to realize his smile is just like Subaru's.

* * *

She eventually escapes Yuzuriha and Kamui by running, but her composure has been shot and she doesn't actually escape them at all, just turns a corner and stumbles to her knees. To her horror, she is suddenly near tears, wiping at her face, and they have followed her. Kamui offers her sympathy and she pushes him away with an unpracticed laugh (_Subaru _is _contagious after all, _she thinks), and sways to her feet.

"I'm a Dragon of Earth now," she says, matter of fact, but they don't gasp and run like she had hoped. Yuzuriha looks confused, Kamui's mouth thins. "I don't care about you," she adds, suddenly childish, she thinks the word "_Subaru-esque_" and her laugh becomes a grimace.

Yuzuriha tries a different tactic, gentle. "We've all missed you a lot, Arashi-san. Are you okay?"

She is silent, she loses what little appetite she had. Arashi realizes how she is acting; immature, broken, Subaru, but it is too late to turn back now. When Subaru throws a tantrum he is beautiful, but she doubts the same effect applies to her.

"I'm fine," she replies, composed again, patting her dress, "I was just shopping for some food."

"The Dragons of _Earth_," Kamui exclaims, betrayed all over again, angry.

"If you'd like, you could come back with us," Yuzuriha adds, elbowing Kamui in the ribs, failing to be even a little discreet. "For dinner," she adds quickly, somehow realizing Arashi had been about to attempt another escape. She realizes suddenly she is trapped between the two of them and the wall.

"I'm with Subaru now," Arashi says firmly.

* * *

One day, before Arashi has gotten around to throwing out her would-be letters, Subaru finds them, picks them up and reads them, curled in an armchair smoking and to her horror, laughing.

"I think it's sweet," Subaru replies to her glare. Arashi knows she shouldn't stand for this, knows that she never has, but finds herself at a loss. He _kills _people, she thinks, and Subaru is immune to glares and scowls. He's had worse.

"I mean it," Subaru continues, he's too cheerful, too dark, Arashi can't remember the last time he killed someone and the longer he goes the tighter he stretches and the more frightened she becomes. "I think it's lovely that you can feel such things towards people such as Arisugawa-kun."

Something stretches thin inside _her_, thin feelings in her stomach, and her hands move on their own accord before clenching into fists. Her hair falls over her shoulders, she listens to Subaru leaf through the letters, she swallows.

"Subaru," she says at last, quietly. He laughs hoarsely and lets the letters flutter to the floor, and Arashi tries to look dignified as she picks them up off the carpet.

* * *

Kamui looks smug when Arashi goes to see him, but it takes more then smugness to scare her and she looks straight back at him. "I'm here because you can grant wishes," she says levelly.

Kamui smiles. "You're the first to demand I grant one," he replies, sitting--sprawling--abruptly in a throne-like chair, fingers laced behind his head, now he looks like Sorata and Arashi is relieved.

She feels her teeth clench. Kamui grins at her.

"Nothing's free," he says at last. His fingers are long and she watches as he stretches them, cracks them, piano fingers straightening his pants legs, it makes sense to her that Kamui is vain.

"I'll do whatever you wish," Arashi says, which prompts her to wonder what Kamui might wish. He grimaces at the echoes, her mind his mind, and stands from the chair.

"None of _that_," Kamui says, tense, perturbed. "I'll give you your damn sword."

"But not for free," Arashi guesses.

He smiles at her, but this time Arashi doesn't recognize it.

* * *

One day, Subaru looks at her like he's only just noticed that she is in his home. By now Arashi is used to it, but there is still a moment of worry that this time he will have forgotten her, this time he won't care about their shared future. He stares at her and then, quietly, tells her he hates her.

He is Subaru again, she thinks, not the sakurazukamori, but then he screams it, capital letters loud, I hate you I hate you I hate until his hands grip her arms tight, fingers digging into Arashi's skin.

"I hate you," he says again, eyes wild, different colors, frayed strings, red threads, Arashi is frozen she looks at his eyes and is scared, it is _her _blood on his hands this time, and then as if it was the most natural thing in the world, Subaru kisses her.

* * *

_tbc..._

* * *


	2. Said The King

ahahah. let's all ignore the fact that it's been like a year and a half since i put out chapter one. let's also ignore the fact that this is _subaru/arashi_, a crime for which i surely deserve the depths of hell. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry._  
_

* * *

x x x

* * *

**_02: said the king_**

* * *

x x x

* * *

"Stupid girl," Subaru says the next day from between his arms; he is sitting in a chair with his upper body draped over the kitchen table, arms crossed over his head, voice muffled. "Getting yourself killed in plain sight." 

Arashi is tying bandages over her arms and doesn't look at him, has been ignoring him all day. Subaru sounds like he's drunk.

"No such thing as everyone, you know. Everyone's sad differently. It's all shit."

She wishes for an earthquake.

* * *

x x x

* * *

After she says it, Yuzuriha and Kamui stare at her. They don't move, but Inuki does, threading like liquid around Yuzuriha's legs. The girl speaks first, attempting calmness, syrup slowly, "Subaru-san is the _Sakurazukamori_." 

Arashi becomes interested in Kamui's reactions instead, but they are few and far between. His eyes narrow, he stares at a brick behind her, his hands lay at his sides, fingers stretched out too straight. Yuzuriha glances from Arashi to Kamui and back again, hands folded in front of her.

"Subaru is the Sakurazukamori," Arashi replies, repeats. "I know."

"Why would you be with him?" Kamui asks, angry, another burst of words, and Arashi tries to decide if he is jealous or betrayed.

"Why did you leave us?" Yuzuriha asks, a hand flying up to her mouth. She chews her thumb anxiously, nibbling at the nail. "We've been worried. We thought you might have died."

The words are like cold water. Arashi's hysteria subsides, a little, and she leans back against the wall. "Then you should be happy I am not," she says slowly.

Yuzuriha is the one to slap her.

* * *

x x x

* * *

"Do you hate me?" He laughs; he laughs; he laughs.

* * *

x x x

* * *

The first time she summons her new-sword, she realizes how wrong it is. It hurts, tugs at her skin, drains her of energy and replaces it with something else, something thin that jumps about inside her. The flesh that ties her hand to the metal aches and burns cold, and _Kamui_ laughs at her naivety.

* * *

x x x

* * *

Arashi remembers that it happened the day she removed her bandages. The skin on her arms feels strange and oddly damp, and she resists the urge to swing her arms back and forth as she walks. That was the day she saw him. 

She suspects he was sent by Yuzuriha and Kamui; suspects it in the thin line of his mouth and the bend in his shoulders, he isn't all that pleased to see her, and Arashi feels a mean sort of _fine then, be like that_ in return.

If she hadn't run away, what would he look like when seeing her?

He sticks his hands in his pockets and looks past her. "Kinda cold, huh?" Sorata says at last with a nervous flicker of a smile.

* * *

x x x

* * *

The next time Arashi grew bored, she didn't write letters. She was still wary of Subaru finding them, even though he wasn't home, so after staring at the television for a few minutes Arashi began to clean instead. 

They were both neat. It was a little strange, thinking about it, that even when Subaru could--would--murder people he would make sure to make the bed in the morning, clean his teeth. Arashi wonders if her own cleanliness was just as odd.

Up high in the back shelf of his closet, Arashi finds a box filled with pictures. She stares at the smiling boy and the smiling girl and the smiling man for hours and hours, and only after she puts them away does she realize Subaru was once the boy.

She wonders what the other two people once were.

* * *

x x x

* * *

"Hello," she says to Sorata, the word automatic and bland. He looks like he wants to fidget, then shakes his head and removes his hands from his pockets. 

"Look," he says, and falters off, "Look, 'neechan," and Arashi notes that it's back to _that_ name again, they are regressing... or is it denial? Sorata falters on.

"I'm not too good with this kind of talking, right? So it probably isn't going to make all that much sense," and Arashi notes the way he swallows extra syllables and last letters, _prob'ly isn't goin' to make all tha' much sense_, and she wonders what Sorata speaking standard Japanese would sound like and she is careful not to listen to what he is carefully trying to say.

* * *

x x x

* * *

Arashi has a recurring dream where nothing happens. She wakes up in her room at Clamp Campus, eats breakfast with the others, and goes to school. In the afternoon, she helps Kamui with his English homework and helps Yuzuriha cook dinner, and when Sorata comes home she is happy to see him.

* * *

x x x

* * *

Subaru is waiting for her outside of city hall, slumped against a wall, black on white on gray. His hands are in his coat pockets, he is not smoking. "Did it go well?" he asks, looking her in the eye. 

"Kamui granted my wish," she replies, and he nods and stands and indicates that she should follow. They end up at Akihabara, the electronics district, remarkably intact still. Arashi has the feeling she knows what is coming, and isn't all that surprised to see Aoki and Karen arrive a few minutes after.

The four stare each other down. Karen ignores Arashi, speaks to Subaru. "You're being very selfish, I hope you realize," she says sternly. "Kamui's very upset."

Aoki gives Arashi the most fatherly glance she has ever received in her life, and not of the comforting sort. She feels scolded, and her back stiffens defiantly.

"Do you know what to do?" Subaru asks Arashi mildly, that amused edge creeping back into his voice, "It's very easy. Just--" a flick of his wrist, his arm flying outward, "--destroy it all."

She sees the brief trace of a pentagram on the wall before the store explodes. Karen leaps backward, fire from the ruins flickering towards her hopefully, her mouth thin. "We'll fight you if you must."

"I'd expect no less from the Dragons of Heaven," Arashi says before she can think about it, and Aoki and Karen stare at her like she had sprouted a new head.

"If that's where your loyalties lie," Aoki says slowly, looking solemn in his suit.

The sword grows from her arm, painful ripping icy black, and when Karen dodges the first clumsy blow she whispers, "Think of Sorata-kun."

Arashi strikes again and tries to keep her eyes open in the blaze. "I already did."

* * *

x x x

* * *

"Don't you care?" Subaru asks one evening, "That you're going to hell?" 

"No," Arashi replies, surprised that it is the truth. She turns defensive. "And what about you?"

Subaru hmms, dragging from his cigarette. "No matter where I go I'll see someone. Hell for him, Heaven for her. It doesn't matter to me. But you're still young."

"You're young, too," Arashi says, bristling. "I liked the incoherent Subaru better."

"I spoke with someone who knows such things, and she told me to get a grip on myself," Subaru explains, flicking the cigarette butt at the coffee table and lighting a new one, "When did I become worthy of no honorific, Arashi-_chan_?"

She hates him so much it _hurts_.

* * *

x x x

* * *

"I thought that you were neutral," she says to him one evening-early-morning, some time in between days, her shoulders tight and red from fading burns. "I thought you were on no side." 

"I thought that you were neutral," he repeats, staring straight ahead of him and frowning. "I thought you--"

"_Shut up_," she hisses, and her hand flies out to push him away before she remembers who he isn't. "You fought Aoki-san and Karen-san with no hesitation. You destroyed--"

"_You fought Aoki-san and Karen-san with no hesitation you destroyed_--"

And this time she does strike him, her left hand heavy again with sword instead of bone. He smiles darkly behind his cigarette smoke: "I still have a wish."

"To kill the Dragons of Heaven?"

"I, at least, know what I desire," Subaru says, looking down at his hands.

* * *

x x x

* * *

At last she speaks. "Go away." It is a fine cool autumn day, the sort of day that would normally have couples walking in it, couples holding hands; arm and arm and in love. In any other city. "Go away. Leave me alone." But despite her words and despite her sincerity, her voice carries no emotion; she is ordering tea, she is walking arm and arm with her lover in the park. "_You're pathetic."_

"_Arashi_," he says, and he is hurt and desperate and only half as pathetic as she is: she who can't even glance at Sorata before turning and fleeing, fleeing, fleeing.

* * *

x x x

* * *

"You need me," she tells Subaru that evening. "You _must_." 

"I don't." For once he is not smoking, for once he is not staring at the backs of his hands. For once he looks her in the eye, and she knows enough by now to realize that that's the worst thing of all.

"You need me."

"I _hate _you. I _despise_ you," Subaru says, but he is quiet as he says it, and he looks down at his hands gently.

"You need me to hate." It is a hollow truth.

He doesn't answer until she kisses him, because he needs her and she needs him; to be hated, to have someone to hate.

* * *

x x x

* * *

After, a part of her wishes that _rape _could have been her first and not her second, because then the loss would have been someone else's fault: but it isn't rape when you need it, when it is better than love.

* * *

x x x

* * *

_(tbc... hopefully in less than a year this time)  
_


End file.
